so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
