He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
