Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Randomize
