So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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