i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
