fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
