i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
