ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Randomize
