I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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