Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
