Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
