Redeem this text for a blowjob
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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