I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
