I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
