I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
