1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
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