No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
