i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
