i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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