I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
