I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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