Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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