I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
