Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
