I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
