you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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