I think I just saw someone hide a body.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
