I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
