her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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