Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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