My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
We are all done wearing pants today
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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