I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
