oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
