when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
