Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
