Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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