I wish they made helmets for livers.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
