she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Randomize
