Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
