This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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