Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
