my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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