I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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