if you like me you must not know who I am
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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