I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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