the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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