I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
