Umm I'm too high to move.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
