I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
