Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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