just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
i love accidental penises.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
My ATM looks so different sober.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
