this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
